The Perfect Gift

29th July 2014,

Half year has gone. 2014 has few more months to go. True or not as what Feng Shui master predict 2014 will have much turmoils. I know Christian should not believe in such things but when planes crashes one after another - MH 370, MH 17, Taiwan GE222 & now AH5017. Life is so fragile. Or the end gonna come soon? Am I ready? Definitely not. 

God has blessed us with 2boys, and we just recently put another step of faith in booking for more than half a million condo in Ipoh. Are we sowing much in earthly wealth and possession rather than heavenly wealth?

We are living in simplicity. Gos has blessed us financially, not that we are very rich, we are neither poor or lacking. What should be the focus on earth now? Serve Him while we can, serve more in church? Or it is more of the state of heart?

 

What is the condition of my heart? Heart of flesh, heart of stone? Lukewarm, cold, or hot? 

Precious gift from God - the 3 boys in my life. Will I be ready to give them to Him? 

Blessed Valentine's Day

14th February 2014, 

Been a year plus since my last post in this blog. Baby Jared going to turn 8months in another week. Joel has gone to school & has grown mature each day. He can verbalise his needs & exploring different vocabulary. 

Am on leave today. And I miss home. 4 years has been a breaking & yet an enriching moments. 

Seldom have the time to stop & take inventory of my life - my thoughts life & feelings have not being put in place. It's chaotic & random, lost of who is really me? What makes me happy? What did I treasure most in life ?

A season & phase of life. It's all about family. Seeing Joel cried after being dropped off to school grieved my heart. Boys down with fever & lying on the bed - such helpless feeling. Feeling of inadequacy and imperfection. Love tank which has been empty for long. 

So what? What keep me going? .. The love of the One who will never let me go. If He never let me go, why should I give up life?

A Brand New Life Inside

29th December 2012,

I am 14 weeks pregnant. Yeah, my second pregnancy. I've once told my hubby - my life turned 180 degrees after marrying him, turned another 180 degrees after delivered Joel... and I guess will turn another 180 degrees after deliver the 2nd baby. Well, it's part and parcel of life. You. Will need to loose something to get something. I remembered of complaining to my sis I've lost one wing... and gonna loose another wing soon. So pathetic... am gonna stuck without wings.... there goes my freedom, here comes all the responsibilities of being a mother.

I think I've been complaining much and still not able to move on. I need to learn to be thankful in every situation, every phases of life has some reason for us to grow and enjoy.

I paused today and evaluate my life. Gonna be the end of the year in few days time. Gonna be 3rd year of our marriage anniversary. How much changes in these 3 years? I paused and my heart filled with gratitude and thankfulness. Thank God for giving me such wonderful husband, a loving and active boy... and coming little new life. I praise God for the support of family and friends. I praise God for a stable job and enriching life.

Now... I need to get back to God. To change my fear with faith, my doubts with determination to go through this season victoriously. I need to get back to Him in prayers. I've neglected Him and filled myself with all unimportant issues. It's time to get real... Jesus, here I come.

Joel’s Milestone Chart

Age	Milestones
1 month	Responds to sound – startled with loud sound Stares at faces Follows objects briefly with eyes Can see black-and-white patterns Smiles – a little, after milk or after good sleep
2 months	Lifts & turn heads  when lying on tummy to sleep Vocalizes: gurgles and coos Follows objects across field of vision Notices his hands – fingers still closed Holds head up for short periods Smiles, laughs (little) Coos when you talk to him Imitates sounds: "emma” Holds head at 45-degree angle Lifts head and shoulders when lying on tummy (mini-pushup) Vocalizes: oohs and aahs Sighing
3 months	Recognizes your face and scent Holds head steady when on tummy Visually tracks moving objects Squeals, gurgles, coos Blows bubbles Recognizes your voice Does mini-pushup Rolls over, from tummy to back (little) Rolls over, from back to tummy (twice) Turns toward loud sounds Can bring hands together, bats at toys Able to take off handkerchief put on face - peekaboo Smiles, laughs Fingers sucking Able to burp on his own
4 months	Loud shout – ahh Able to splash on water during bath Holds head steady Can grasp a toy Rolls over, from tummy to back Plays with his hands and feet Turns toward new sounds Turns toward sounds and voices Separation anxiety may begin Able to sit upright with little support Rolls over, from tummy to back
5 months	Imitate sound – “baba mama” Say “Ahhh..” to attract attention Ready for solid food – mashed potatoes, pear & apple Mouth objects Rolls over in both directions Distinguishes between bold colors Turns toward sounds and voices Drags objects toward himself Mouths objects Jabbers or combines syllables May be ready for solid foods
6 months	Is ready for solid foods Sits momentarily without support Imitates sounds – papa & mama Rolls over in both directions Passes objects from hand to hand Drags objects toward himself Can bear weight on legs Recognizes own name
7 months	Sits without support Lunges forward or starts crawling Bangs objects together Begins to understand object permanence Start to have a little separation anxiety Crawl and cruising
8 months	Stands while holding onto something Says "mama" or "dada" to parents (isn't specific) Point at object Searches for hidden objects Cruises while holding onto furniture
9 months	Cuts first tooth Stands while holding onto something Jabbers or combines syllables Picks things up with thumb-finger pincer grasp
10 months	Waves goodbye Says "mama" or "dada" to the correct parent Puts objects into a container
11 months	Plays patty-cake and peek-a-boo Stands alone for a couple of seconds Eats with fingers Indicates wants with gestures Says one word besides "mama" or "dada"
12 months	Imitates others' activities Indicates wants with gestures Stands alone for a couple of seconds Stoops from standing position

Man of my life

Blogging after such long silence. Previously I can spare much time to blog but after being a mother.. things seem so tight up, so busy.. with baby, also trying to catch up with sleep.

It has been 11months plus. The joy and struggles of being a mother. The most rewarding part is to hear Joel uttered mama..  Many to comes, taking each phase as it comes with determination. With hubby as my pillar of strength.. I am blessed to have two wonderful man in my life...

New Parent's Prayer

New Parent's Prayer - written by Steven Stewart


Heavenly Father
I am over come with gratitude to Thee
for giving us this child who humbles me
I hold his tiny hand in mine
Thankful tears come to my eyes
This blessings such great responsibility
As my weaknesses feel magnified
I ask for strength to do what's right.


Help me raise him with love
Teach him respect
I'll read Thy words of truth to him
and pray Thou will protect
him from all I fear.
Fill him with hope
Let me know when to support him
and when to let go
Help me raise with love.


Heavenly Father
as this precious child is falling fast asleep.
I sense Your angels guarding lovingly
Thou I am so weary and so tired
I am strengthened by his smile
let me live my life
to show him my love for Thee
As I learn to purify my heart
let me lead this child to where Thou art.


Help me raise him with love
Teach him respect
I'll read Thy words of truth to him
and pray Thou will protect him from all I fear.
Fill him with hope
Let me know when to support him
and when to let go
Help me raise with love.


Help us hold on
when the storms of life are ragging.
Help us be strong
til we are together.
Back in Thy arms.


Help us raise him with love.
Teach him respect
We'll read Thy words of truth to him
and pray Thou will protect him
from all we fear
Fill him with hope
Let us know when to support him
and when to let go.


Help us raise him with love.
Ooooooh, raise him with love.

Specially dedicated to our son, Joel Chin En-Yi

New Challenges of Motherhood

1st November 2011,

It has been more than 6 months since my last update. Been busy with another new transition into my life. Reviewing back, it has been quite a lot of transitions and happenings since I relocated from Penang, which I've totally lost count of it. Time flies, if we don't keep track of the progress, we will just lost in time.

As the title of my blog, yeah.. another new phase with addition of new life - Joel Chin En Yi. Looking back, it has been 4 months being a fulltime mom.. I've given up my job and focus on taking care of Joel. Not easy as I thought it would be, to be totally a 'home-mother'. It was indeed great challenge for me, especially the second month when I took over the task from the confinement lady. I remember waking up at wee hours of the night just to feed Joel, and to put him back to sleep after feeding was not easy. I can still recall his widely open eyes starring at me at 1am until 4am when he finally went back to sleep after much crying. We tried many different methods trying to find the right one to establish Joel's sleeping routine. Last month he finally got familiar to last feed at 11pm and able to sleep through the night till  4-6am for another feed. I thought the nightmare is over until recently he started his weird habit again - waking up every 3 hours for feed, or for comfort??? Aarrgghhh.. I was so so tired. Light sleeper as I am, I need to learn to snap off once Joel asleep... how to sedate myself?

Discourage, broken and 'angry'.. am waving the white flag in surrender. Lord, what have I done? I need to learn to surrender the 'control' to the Lord, allowing Him to take precedence over my life. Surrendering to Him my 'feeling' of inadequacy. My prayer is that I will not lost the joy of motherhood, and that I will able to be thankful of the little things, knowing that each chapter has it's season and it's reason to shape me, and God has already blessed me so much, I should learn to praise Him rather than giving up to 'pity party'.

Many or Few

"Jonathan said to his young armor bearer, ‘Come let's go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.'"

I Samuel 14:6 (NIV)

One woman has meager resources to fund her family's needs. She operates in the few.

One woman has so many opportunities to serve she feels overwhelmed. She wants to do what God wants, but she can't figure out how to handle it all. She operates in the many.

One woman wants to pursue a dream she's been secretly harboring but there never seems to be enough time. She operates in the few.

One woman has lots of extended family members who need her attention and time. She operates in the many.

One woman's husband has all but stopped talking to her. She misses the love they once shared, even took for granted. He has no time for her and hardly ever looks at her. She operates in the few.

One woman has fears that grip her. She worries about her future, her children's health, the economy, her marriage. She operates in the many.

What about you? What's your circumstance? What in your life needs to be saved? You might not be facing a deadly battle like Jonathan and his armor bearer, but one thing I can guarantee, we all need to be saved from something.

Here's the great part: This verse tells us that nothing can hinder the Lord from saving us in all circumstances—whether we are operating in the category of many or few. We can count on Him to move on our behalf.

So many times I look at my lack and throw up my hands. I only see the limits. Jonathan and his armor bearer were just two men. They knew their limits but they didn't let that keep them from trusting the Lord to move on their behalf.

Likewise, I can look at my abundance—of demands, of needs, of people, of financial responsibilities—that I need to attend to and let that overwhelm me. I only see the crushing load.

Jonathan chose not to look at the many men facing them, but to turn his eyes to God. He knew God is not hemmed in by earthly circumstance.

Many or few, it matters not. Our security can not come from our situation. Today as you face life's challenges, look for the few and for the many. Then tell God exactly what Jonathan said: Perhaps You will act on my behalf. I trust what You choose to do. Nothing can hinder You from saving, whether by many or by few.

Dear Lord, I am so grateful that You are not hindered by my circumstances. Help me to look past my lack or my abundance, straight into Your eyes. Help me to realize that You are at work in my many and in my few. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Blessings of God

I was pondering through His creation, how our God first created the heaven and earth, then the light and water, the skies and the grounds, and all kinds of vegetation- seed bearing plants and trees, then the living creatures - animals and livestock, and finally He created man in His likeliness - to rule over the earth, to rule over everything that was created just before him.

If we look at the sequence of the event, God has created all things before man, and for man to enjoy. He has given us all the provision that we need to survive and to be fruitful and multiply. God has richly blessed us with all that He could had given us. How should be our response today?

Are we still murmuring and complaining of the insufficiency? Are we still lacking? Is it not enough?.. How much is enough then? Lord help us to have a thankful heart in our every day encounters. Knowing that You had given us Your best, and even given Your precious Son, Jesus Christ on the cross for our sins. We are indeed thankful.. let us to keep trusting You with that simple faith.

Take Captive Every Thought

Take Captive Every Thought

I generally agree with the cognitive approach to therapy since we are called to repent and be transformed by the renewing of our mind. We are saved and sanctified by faith, therefore we must learn to know and choose to believe the truth. In our western world, however, there are two other critical issues that are often overlooked causing us to stop short of a complete answer and total recovery. The first is to understand the spiritual battle for our minds, and the second is to abide in Christ.

Computer programmers coined the term, “GIGO,” which means garbage in, garbage out. Jesus said, “The good man out of the good treasure in his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart” (Luke 6:45). We have to be very careful what we put into our minds, which is why Paul admonished us to, “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). It doesn’t make any difference whether the thought originated from the television set, the radio, a book, a speaker, from our own memory bank, an original thought of our own, or from the father of lies. We must take “every” thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

If what we are thinking is not true according to God’s word then don’t pay attention to it. Instead, do what the Apostle Paul admonished us to do. “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8). You don’t get rid of negative thoughts by trying not to think them. You overcome them by choosing the truth and keep choosing the truth until the negative thoughts are drowned out or completely replaced by the truth. You let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts by letting the words of Christ richly dwell within you. If you want to experience the freedom that Christ purchased for you and have a peace of mind that passes all understanding, then choose to think only those thoughts that agree with the Word of God.

Every computer owner has been warned about the potential for their computer contracting a “virus.” A virus can cause severe damage to existing programs already loaded in the computer. Computer viruses are often not accidental. They are intentional. They may come from store wrapped software that gets contaminated by disgruntled employees. In addition, some devious people have purposefully created programs that are designed to introduce a killer virus into any system that accesses them. Therefore, most computer systems have programs that scan for viruses and so should we.

It is not always easy to detect a virus in our own belief system, because the major strategy of the enemy is deception. Every Christian is subject to tempting, accusing, and deceiving thoughts. That is why we are to put on the armor of God and more specifically the shield of faith, which deflects Satan’s fiery darts aimed at our minds. The most devious of his schemes is deception, because if you were tempted you would know it, if you were accused you would know it, but if you were deceived you wouldn’t know it. This strategy was used from the very beginning when Eve was deceived and believed a lie. That is why Jesus prays for those who would follow Him, “I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one . . . Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth” (John 17:15-17). Paul writes, “But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:3). Commenting about the later days of the church age, Paul wrote, “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines taught by demons” (1 Timothy 4:1).

We have seen evidence of this all over the world, people struggling with their thoughts, having difficulty concentrating and hearing “voices.” These “voices” or negative thoughts are usually self-condemning, suicidal, delusional, and phobic which result in feelings of guilt, fear, hopelessness, sadness, and despair. These symptoms are what therapists typically associate with depression, anxiety disorders or psychosis. These negative thoughts are patterns of the flesh learned from living in a fallen world or they are fiery darts from Satan, which Scripture has clearly warned us about? A therapist with a secular world view would not even consider such possibilities.

I Am A New Creation

2 Cor 10:5b .... we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The flashback goes on and on... to the time when I was a child, I used to squat at the corner of the staircase and look down to where all the children were playing- happily. Wonder why I will never be seen with the crowds. The aloof, "proud" girl prefer to stay away at the small corner, only to have some glimpse from afar.. why couldn't I step out of my safe-zone and play with them?

The antisocial sentiment of me stay on, till my adulthood. I started to open up a little bit when I received Christ into life, when I was surrounded by brothers and sisters who love me for who I am. Then on, I grew to become 'friendlier' and approachable... why not, everything is familiar, comfortable and well 'in-control'. I am contented and happy with life. But nothing is lasting.. things changed, only God knows why for us to grow. He wants us to grow, not to stay stagnant.. or for us to overcome our weaknesses?

Am feeling "defeated" again.. fighting with all my heart, I finally gave up. I can see Satan waving his full flag of victory. Am biting myself down again.. feeling wounded and defeated - going into the circle of pity party. Oh! I have no more strength in me to stop the voices which choke me to death. I almost drowned.. until I reach up my hand and ask for help. Lord, Help me! I wonder if He can hear me... if He can understand, if only He can feel my pain.

"Do not doubt Me, My child. Come and feel the scars on My Hands. I had love you with My Everlasting Love.. why do you condemn yourself? You are my new creation.. come and start anew with Me."

Transition, Control, Trust

http://www.giantperspectives.com/read/transition_control_trust/

In the past two days I have talked with several people who have mentioned they are in a transition - either because of a job loss, job change, or personal change.

When they asked me about where I was, I tended to say the same thing - “I feel like we are in a transition season,” I said. Then it hit me - we all are, everyday.

Think about it. We are in constant transition as humans. From our kids outgrowing their clothes to the seasonal change in our atmosphere. Our world and ‘worlds’ are constantly changing.

As a person who likes change, I tend not to get too worked up about it… as long as I am in control! Take away my control, or perceived control, and that is when it feels like a “transition” season. Every person that said they were in “transition” had something taken from them and they felt out of control.

So, let me summarize. As long as I am in control I like change and can put up with transitions. As long as I am not in control the transition season feels heavy and hard.

Who is with me?

The issue is really control, and when things feel out of control that’s when it gets scary - unless, someone we trust is in control.

Does that make sense? What if things feel out of control at your work, but you suddenly realized someone you really trust is in control of decisions; don’t you seem to feel better?

Some of you may say, “Yeah, easy for you to say. No one I trust is in control of the changes in my life.”

So now we get to the real issue. Transitions are control issues. Control issues are trust issues. Who then do we really trust?

As leaders we must trust. The worst dominators in the world had the most harmful trust issues. As for me, I have my family, my partners, my friends, and employees I trust. Yet, deep inside me, I have chosen to put my trust in my Maker. When all else fails I know I at least have one source who I trust is in control, and that makes all the difference.

Dance With My Father

This song is specially dedicated to my Daddy... Oh I miss him so so much. Wonder how is my Daddy up there...

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spend me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love to dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night, when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

Chorus:
If I could steal
One final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
I'd hear how my mother cried for him
(2x) I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she' s dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

http://www.cqwxcx.com/music/sample/Luther%20Vandross%20-%20Dance%20With%20My%20Father.mp3

Even a GREAT Husband Makes A Poor God

To all Married Women.

A good piece extracted from :- http://www.marriagemissions.com/even-a-great-husband-makes-a-poor-god/

I got in my car and started down our winding driveway. Tears fell in a steady flow. My chest was tight, my eyes puffy, and every muscle tight with stress. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can’t he just love me the way I am? Why does everything have to be such an issue? What am I doing wrong?

Can you relate? If you’ve been married any time at all, I’m sure you can. At times I’ve gotten consumed trying to figure out how to make my husband love me and how to make everything all right between us that he in some strange way became my God. If we were doing well, I was doing well. If we weren’t doing so well, I wasn’t doing so well either.

Now, understandably, because my husband and I have come together as one, we are close enough that when he hurts, I hurt. But, my spirit should not vacillate between joy and sorrow based on how Art and I are getting along. Instead, my soul should always rest in the safety of Jesus’ unconditional love and acceptance.

Jesus laid this principle out clearly in John 15:5-6, which says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers.”

Jesus is our life-giving vine; our husbands are not. If we remain in Christ and let Christ be the only one who holds our souls and determines our identity, then we can bear much fruit. We know from Galatians 5 that the fruit of God’s Spirit in us is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Can you see why it is so important to get your every deep, spiritual need met by God alone? My husband can’t give this type of consistent love, joy, peace, etc. And I can’t give him love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control apart from Christ. Apart from Christ I can do no good thing, because apart from Christ I wither as I try to make my husband fill me. When I do this I drain my husband and my marriage.

John 15:9 continues, “As the father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” Now, my sweet friend, I know what it is like to walk the rocky paths of a difficult marriage. I understand the loneliness, the desperation, the frustrations. But I also know what it’s like to have a wonderful, fulfilling, romantic, awesome marriage.

My husband is basically the same man today as he was when things were not so good. God has worked on his heart and made some changes in him but nothing I’ve ever done had the power to change him.

The main thing that has transformed my marriage is my letting God be my God. Instead of focusing on all the things my husband didn’t do right or letting his approval or disapproval consume me, I learned to go to God and say, “Lord, I know You love me and You love my husband. So please either change him or change my heart toward him or this issue we are facing.” Sometimes He’ll soften my husband but more times than not God will change me.

I often share at conferences and retreats that God has taught me what it means to live for an audience of one. Instead of trying to be a good wife and win my husband’s approval, trying to be a good mom to win my kids’ approval, and trying to be a good friend to win my friends’ approval, I now simply try to please God. I seek only His favor and follow His precepts. In doing this I am a good wife, a good mom and a good friend.

Faithfully spending time with God every day and asking Him to fill me and give me my identity and security has transformed my marriage. It has freed me to take the focus off of my needs, my wants, and my desires. It is only through God’s strength working in me that I can give to my husband in this way and feel more fulfilled in giving than receiving.

Survey after survey that I received from men had a common thread: husbands said their wives were missing something in their life that the husbands had no idea how to fulfill. “I wish my wife knew that I love her,” or “I want to give her what she needs but I’m not sure even she knows what that is,” or “I wish so much my wife could see my inner feelings —how much I do love her —I just don’t know how to make her see and believe that,” and “I’m doing everything I know how to do to make her feel loved and it doesn’t seem to be enough.”

These husbands want their wives’ hearts to be secure enough to freely receive the love they were already offering. The only way this can happen is when a wife’s heart rests safely in the Lord’s hands and she’s at peace with who her God is. Then and only then can a woman of tender strength emerge with the capacity to be the wife she was created to be.

Am I in the Autumn again?

12th July 2010,

Hey, it has been 3-4 months since my last blog and so many things happened. And guess what - am back!! Am back in Malaysia, not in Penang tho', but residing in a slower pace town called Eat-Poh (Ipoh).. and just within the 3 months, I've gained 3 kgs. 3 kgs in 3 months can you believe it?... Geee... thanks to Ipoh, the sedentary lifestyle: Eat, Sleep, TVs, Work. Everything provided for, less of running around catching a bus, no need to carry medications to patients. Relatively slow, 2-3X or more slower than in Singapore. Feeling myself getting lazy, being couch potatoes after work, stuck at home and just indulge in food.. food.. food. No doubt Ipoh's food rank one of the top quality with creative variety in Malaysia yet the over eating and less workout activities contribute to my laziness and obesity.

The title of my blog speaks my sentiment today - am I in the autumn again? Spring has gone too far.. summer is over and here comes the autumn. Am trying not to be negative and get into murmuring and complaining spirit here, hopefully... It has been 8 months plus of married life, minus the 3 months separation in Singapore, leave to a total of 5 months of married life. The Bible said 2 shall become 1; it is not good for man to be alone, so here He create another helper out of man's flesh. The Bible also mentioned that those who marry will face many troubles in this life (1 Cor 7: 28). So whether married or unmarried, let us learn to be contented and find fulfillment in Him.

1 Cor 7: 34 continues, "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (NIV)

I guess I have been divided, concern with too much on the affairs of the world- the petty matters; trying to please my husband and putting him above all else?... and getting myself uptight and being possessive. I am just too difficult to be pleased? Am I grabbing things too tightly, unwilling to let go? Afraid I will loose something precious? What will happen if it is taken off me? Why would I hold on so hard.. can't I just relax and go with the flow? Am I trying to please others yet get myself bitter with the unresponsiveness? Is love a competition, definitely not but why I just can't stop being possessive?

Am still adapting. I hate changes. Am evaluating myself - am I being selective opening up. How long for me to get myself rooted in the new environment? Do I have an accountability friend here. Where is my focus then, is it just about me me me?... It's a choice to be happy. Find what makes me happy. Where is the songs in my heart? Will I able to sing it out loud without afraid it goes out of tunes? Why I cares so much of what people think and see? Can I just stop being so critical and negative. Find what is praise worthy - whatever is noble, whatever is true, whatever is pure, lovely, admirable - think about such things. Choose what you want to input and output in your life. Where is my focus, how far from Him... Can I get closer, a step closer. A conscious effort to draw closer to Him.. that is the most important task to do.

Taking some life inventory stock take - how is my soul today? Can I get over the autumn soon?

Guidance

1st March 2010,

Got this from my close friend, very encouraging. Read on:

G-U-I-DANCE

When I meditated on the word, "Guidance",
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word, "Guidance".
When I saw 'G": I thought of God, followed by "U' and "I".
"God", "U" and "I" Dance.

When God dances with you, He guides your every step.
You glide, you slide, you spin and you feel like you're falling.
Fear not, for His arms are strong enough to hold you.
He will never let you go!

Let God guide you and your life will be a beautiful dance of joy

Jesus Take the Wheel

14th Dec 2009,

It's midnight, am still awake. Trying to put my thoughts in order before the end of the day. Today will be the last night I spend with this house. Going to shift to another street as the landlord moving in tomorrow. Changes, one after another. Am learning to embrace changes as part and parcel of life. Probably 2010 will be more to come, entering a new phase of life - having another person in my life. Am learning to allow God to lead, rather than taking control of things with my own hands. Let Jesus take the wheel...

Jesus, Take the Wheel

--------------------------
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Back to the Basic

8th November 2009,

It's 8pm, am struggling hard to think how do I begin, after such long silence in the blog. Looking back my previous blog, am encouraged to see the "Shirley" that able to express her heart freely. Am evaluating the Shirley now - quiet, emotionless, without any expression. As if she has just been given with high dose injection of anesthetic & getting numb with her feeling. Just can't find the light on her face. **Sigh** What a depressive blog introduction to begin with.

Am home - not home in Penang, but home in Singapore. Blogging from the usual place, the exact location I used to sit - in front of the computer with the fan blowing on my face. Went to JB yesterday, just wanna get away from Singapore. Stayed with Celina, don't want to stay alone. Gavin is back in Ipoh, preparing for wedding matters. Celina is now out with friend & I was too tired to follow. Work has taken a whole lot of me, getting tired so easily. Been 5 months plus in Singapore and am still floating. Am just wondering.. what is God purpose for me here? Or is it me that refused to see the light at end of the tunnel? What am I passionate about in life? I need to find back the passion in me. No, I can't remain the state that I am.. it gonna kill me with such negativism. It's a matter of choice. Again and again it's a matter of choice... but why I just can't overcome it.. feeling so defeated and aimless in life. Wonder what good God has installed for us here.. Singapore? So that we can be together? So that we can learned to walk out of our comfort zone? So that we can stretched our faith? There must be more than this...

What the future holds? What about after our wedding.. But if we were to know everything that is laid down for us, what gonna happen 5 years down the road, if we already know and able to see the future, then why more do we need God, or even to have faith? Where is my trust now? Am I trusting man and the things of the world, the things that is seen, or am I trusting the God who is unseen but faithful to the end. Maybe I just need to hold on to something, am feeling am floating - imagine myself floating in the air and couldn't even grab hold of anything.. at any second am about to fall and break into pieces.

Hey, hold on to Him... back to the basic, the fundamental truth of trusting Him and loving Him with the simple childlike faith. Chien Kuan said, she wished to find back her innocence. Me? I need to go back to that childlike simple trust, trusting Daddy's love and His hands that take hold of me. Even when I am about to fall, I need to believe that He is there.. HERE... in front of me, waiting to embrace me, and say "It's okay, it's okay, you are safe with me". I need the assurance that I am not walking alone, am not venturing into the unknown with my own strength. He is always by my side, maybe sometimes I shut myself from Him, thinking that I don't deserve that love, when I keep failing, I can't be better, He must be disappointed with me...

Oh Daddy am so tired. I really feel like giving up. Am not sure anymore... I've lost the joy. Search me and know me, search me through and through. See if there is any offensive ways in me, lead me to Your everlasting. Teach me not to hold it so tight that I loose sight of You, but help me to let loose, to open up and to allow You to take over... Please Daddy, come and take over.. Take over my heart, my mind, my soul. Take over, I don't know how to drive anymore,.. take over the front seat, let me take the passenger seat.

Lamentations 5:15-22

¹⁵ Joy is gone from our hearts;
our dancing has turned to mourning.

¹⁶ The crown has fallen from our head.
Woe to us, for we have sinned!

¹⁷ Because of this our hearts are faint,
because of these things our eyes grow dim

¹⁸ for Mount Zion, which lies desolate,
with jackals prowling over it.

¹⁹ You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

²⁰ Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

²¹ Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

²² unless you have utterly rejected us

and are angry with us beyond measure.

His Eyes is on the Sparrow

6th August 2009,

It's 11pm, I supposed to study while Gavin is sleeping but after reading few pages of BNF really bored me down, mind can't concentrate, and computer is just in front. So here I am glued to it now.. 2 months in Singapore, am still trying to pace myself in the environment.

** Blog truncated **